I have always been driven by doing the right thing. I've always taken, "the high road." When the going got tough, I was always the one who kept it going. This mentality has been evidenced by my paying for (almost) the entirety of my University career (minus my Senior year, because who in the world raises tuition by 5 times over the course of one summer?). This has also been evidenced by my hyper people-pleasing persona, by going above and beyond to take care of those around me while at the same time always neglecting myself. But most importantly, this has been evidenced by my unwavering, and perhaps overly pious, Christian faith.
My faith has always been a blessing and a curse to my analytical reasoning. A blessing because when life kicks your face in the mud, the only sensible thing to do would be to rise up. A blessing in the fact that I've used my faith as a foundation, a sounding board, and a diving board for every house I make, song I write, and body of water I jump into in life. My inner monologue usually goes something like, "do I want to take my lunch to work today or do I want a double cheeseburger from McDonald's? Well what would Jesus have done in this situation?" A blessing because I've been gifted with an incredible fount of knowledge and can believe in things like science and religion at the same time and still feel like a grounded, intelligent human being. A blessing because my faith has allowed me to stand out and stand (inner) strong among my peers. I'm the go-to for advice. I'm the go-to for support and comfort. I'm the one who always has the right thing to say at just the right time. I'm the one who loves love and who wants to create warriors out of weaklings. As an introvert, I'm really starting to hate that... In fact, my faith is so important to me that I wrote an entire book about it which I self-published and sold on Amazon. You can buy it here.
A curse because I get caught up dreaming about what could be instead of what actually is. A curse* because I feel an overwhelming tidal wave of guilt every time I say, "god damn it" out of frustration, even though it feels really fucking good to swear. A curse because I fight so hard to hear the voice of God and cry angry tears every time I'm forced to wait on something good. But more than any of these things, my faith is without a doubt my favorite part of Me.
When I need direction, faith is like an intimate lover whom I can lean on and cuddle with. Who guides me and instructs me and always keeps me accountable. My friend.
*pun not intended, although still pretty clever
My justification for explaining in semi-odd detail is, in a way, to tease the segue into the reason why I've decided to write this (messy) not-so-thought-out, and most certainly inconsistent blog. Although deeply inspired by the book, "Not That Kind of Girl" by Lena Dunham, which you can buy here, my main focus in writing this blog is two-fold.
First, because "Not That Kind of Girl," is truly a remarkable read. The book will make you feel for the feminine population as well as help you find your own voice as a female - which leads me to my second fold.
Second, because now that I've found my voice, I choose not to be silent any longer. I'm not talking about the kind of voice that breaks the silence by shouting, "I'VE BEEN TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY THE SYSTEM AND I'M GONNA GET EVEN BY BEING ANGRY ALL THE TIME whichwillthenallowmetopostpassiveaggressivesubtweetsinexcesstoprovejusthowangryexhaustedandoverititrulyam."
Seriously, we've all met those "feminists."
But rather, the idea of breaking the silence with bravery. Breaking the silence by telling my story. Breaking the silence by finally speaking up about the injustice I've endured simply because I am a woman. And, in return, rallying around other women and encouraging them, because yes, you are just that beautiful. You are just that strong. And Sweetheart, you are worth more than any act of selfishness intended to cause you pain ever was.
I want to be a sounding board for women. I want to be the one who goes running wildly through the avalanche of fiery darts that the world tries to fling because of its intimidation of a world dominated by women causes it severe anxiety and rage.
I want to do so with love. And, I must warn you that, just as the title suggests, the content of this blog will be very inconsistent. One day I may choose to discuss the injustice I've endured. The next day I may choose to talk about my love for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, while over-using too many Bible verses. And then over the weekend, I may choose to write an overly-dramatic monologue with way too many swear words because I've had a bad day.
Talk about being on your period.
Why? Because this is real life, and real life ought to be shared - with no strings attached and no restraint. The world has kept me small** long enough, and I refuse to diminish quietly into the background, joining the circulation of atoms buzzing through the atmosphere.
**I say small in a serious but humorous way because I am, in fact, only 4"11.
I bade adieu to professionalism; I'm going for it.
I write in hopes that I'll inspire, motivate, and protect even more by sharing my experiences. If that ends up being the case, I welcome you. This may not be for everyone. Someone always has something to say, regardless of how powerful, inappropriate, or trite. I welcome that too.
The world has had enough angry women. I choose to be one that loves. I hope you will be, too.
But hey, if you don't and you want to continue to sit at home and postpassiveaggressivesubtweetsinexcesstoprovejusthowangryexhastedandoverityouare then hey - who am I to judge?
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