Trying Too Hard, Loving Too Little, and Expecting Too Much

The song by Tim McGraw, "Humble and Kind," has really hit me recently in the heartstrings. Maybe it's because my family and I went to Nashville a little over week ago, but I find myself relating to Country music these days. Although it seems paradox as my earlier post was all about metal and the benefits thereof, it's actually not far fetched as I grew up listening to Country music as well. Not to mention that it's also true I grew up in the country riding horses. At any rate, I think this song speaks to me so well because those two attributes - humility and kindness -  are the two that I've been struggling with the most in this particular season of life. It wasn't until I was lamenting to God in the shower the other day that He revealed three things about my character I had heard before, but never fully digested. The three characteristics revealed to me were that I was 

trying too hard.

In everything I do, I seek to be the best. I'm not just talking about being the best at what I do (i.e. being the best at my particular assignment or interest), but being the. best. At work, I want to be the employee with the highest production rate and the lowest error percentage. With regards to creativity, I want to be the best at writing books, creating visual art, and writing songs. In my family, I want to be the one who is always the kindest, most thoughtful, and even smartest person. With regards to the LSAT, I want to be the candidate who gets the highest score. I want to be accepted into the best law school. And on. And on. And on. 

Why is this important?

While all of the aforementioned desires to be the best at are true, this revelation about myself was particularly important because, at the time, I was lamenting to God about a breakthrough in a relationship. More than anything, I wanted to be the woman that won this particular man's heart. I wanted to be the best at proving to him that I can be the woman he's been searching for. I can cook. I can clean. I can be responsible. And witty. And intelligent. And a joy to be around. I can be the One. 

What did I learn from this experience?

While this experience isn't over yet, I'm learning now that God sees me as the best. He sees me as the best not because of anything that I've done or have yet to do, but He sees me as the best because I'm His daughter. He uniquely created me. I'm unlike anyone else, and because of that, I am the best.

What can you learn from my experience?

God doesn't love His children equally. That's right, I said it. Read it again: God doesn't love His children equally. He loves them uniquely. This is something I'm learning from Lisa Bevere's devotionals from her book, "Without Rival." Because God fashioned you uniquely - how you look, dress, act, speak, even how your heart functions (both physically and proverbially) - God doesn't love you like He loves your spouse. Or your child. Or your best friend. God loves you like He loves you. And He loves your spouse, your child, and your best friend like He loves them.

The next characteristic God highlighted to me was that I was 

loving too little.
It's always hard for me to admit the fact that I don't love like I should. I can see that I don't show love to those around me when I ignore them, act catty with them, or don't ask them about their overall wellbeing. I can see how I don't love myself when I beat myself up over my shortcomings, like how much I weigh and the fact that I'm not doing anything to change that. I can see though, how much different my love for God is. It's so easy to love Him. He's so faithful, so true. Just. except...

When I don't love other people, I am not loving God.  

Why is this important?

Jesus says over and over in HIs word how important loving other people is. According to Him, the world will know we are Christians by how well we love other people. When we aren't loving Him, we aren't loving others because God is love. Love isn't something God does. Love is who God is.

What did I learn from this experience?

Simply: loving too little will make you feel alone. Last night, I cried all over my sweet friend Elizabeth's shirt because I felt completely alone and isolated from any community. My fear-filled words were: "I'm afraid I'm going to die alone." 

Having her loving arms physically hold me together while she prayed over me and spoke the truth of how beautiful and deep God thinks I am, was the most loving gesture I've received from Heaven in a very long time. I can't wait to pass that on.

What can you learn from my experience?

Loving too little will isolate you faster than being stranded on a desert island. Don't let the enemy trick you into thinking that your relationship with God and your intimate, quiet, alone times with the Lord are enough to sustain you. Yes, it is true that God is good and that His grace is sufficient. It is also true that His strength is made perfect in your weakness. It is even more true that He is always with you and He promises never to forsake you. But, do not forget that it is just as true that God did not create us to live life alone. If you have a community, embrace the people in it. If you're looking for a community, be specific in asking God what kind of community your heart desires. I promise He'll answer your prayer.

The third and final characteristic God revealed about myself was that I was

expecting too much.
Similar to loving too little, expecting too much will also isolate you faster than being stranded on a desert island. In this particular lament, I was complaining to God about how I felt like I wasn't being pursued in the right way by a man. When God made me aware of the fact that I was expecting too much, it was as if He was communicating to me, "you cannot hold other people to standards only I can fulfill."  This doesn't just apply to men, but to all we surround ourselves with.

Why is this important?

Simply: people aren't big enough to fill the God-sized holes in our hearts. They just aren't and they never will be. Just as we hold others to unrealistic expectations, it is also true that we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations as well. To that, I will say the same: You (I) are (am) not big enough to fill the God-sized hole in your (in my) heart. You (I'm) just aren't (not) and you (I) never will be. We can only let the rope go so far. It has to end at some point.

What did I learn from this experience?

It's not fair nor is it wise to expect the world from a person. After all, God is the Creator of the Universe - not my man or any man.

What can you learn from my experience?

Grace, grace, and more grace. If we are to love and live like Jesus does and did, we have to clothe ourselves in humility and count others as more significant than ourselves. We have to raise others up so we can be raised up with Jesus at the proper time. 

It is our responsibility to walk around as an open Heaven everywhere we go.

I encourage you all to listen to the song, "Humble and Kind," by Tim McGraw, and really listen to it. Sit back with your eyes closed and breathe it in. If you're a visual receiver like I am, below are the lyrics.

Be blessed and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

You know there's a lot that goes by the front door
Don't forget the keys under the mat
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be a waste of time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind

Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flying
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
I love you ain't no pick up line so
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind

When it's hot, eat a root beer, a popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind

The LSAT, The Election, And The Struggle For Popularity

I've been super busy, lately. Mostly, I've been numbing myself from the real world because what's happening in this present hour is just too painful to look at. My struggles aren't unlike anyone else's. My coping mechanisms, though, are debatable. But, in any event, I'll just let you all in on what's been going on, lately:


 The LSAT.
Oh, my God. For those of you who aren't aware, the LSAT stands for the Law School Admissions Test. Coupled with the school application, the LSAT is 1/2 of the determining factor of one's acceptance into law school. Studying for this thing has been total chaos. On top of working 30 hours a week, I may get to study about 2 hours a day. This, of course, isn't ideal because if a remarkably high score is the goal (160-170), then one must study approximately 8 hours a day. Not to mention the LSAT, in order to be done well, needs to be studied for, for about a solid 3-6 months. So, if we calculate 40 hours * 5 days (excluding weekends) *  (however many days in a month - 2) * 6... we get: A WHOLE FREAKIN LOT OF HOURS I NEED TO STUDY.

And I've done maybe .125 of that.

On top of this, I'm also trying to successfully change jobs as I've just finished Paralegal School and successfully move to Washington, D.C. Therefore, as imagined, I'm very stressed out about this particular part of life.

As if that weren't enough, we have

The Election.
Donald Trump is now our President-Elect. I have to admit that I'm still baffled that Trump won the Election with all of the disparaging comments he made with regards to women, the disabled, immigrants, and more. But, I'm not surprised. I think Middle America was ready for a change. How much of a change we are going to receive has yet to be determined. I think that Donald Trump really pulled off some genius, cutthroat, Game of Thrones strategy, though. Think about it. 

The guy is married to an immigrant. He has women working for him within his Multinational Corp (which I'm sure some undocumented workers helped construct), and he lived in New York City. It's hard to be racist, sexist, and a bigot in NYC - no matter how red-to-blue the state turns every election cycle. Honestly, I think that Trump's platform was solely intended to be aimed at the small town, small-minded, Middle Americans who were so ready for a change that they ate every campaign slogan of Trump's up like they hadn't been fed in weeks. 

I really think that Trump's campaign promises were too radical to withstand Congressional approval, yet alone too radical to pass via Executive Order. Furthermore, I don't think that Trump honestly believed a single word that came out of his mouth. I think he just wanted to play the game and win, regardless of his own convictions. 

And he did. 

And here we are. 

My third point, and the one in which I want to spend the majority of my post writing about, because I think it's the one that's most relatable is

The Struggle For Popularity.
O.K. surely I'm not the only one who posts things on social media for attention, amirite? In our like-based culture, we have been conditioned to feed ourselves off of every "like" on our Instagram and Facebook post, and every retweet and reblog on Twitter and Tumblr. So SURELY I'm not the only one who dies a little inside each time my posts receive minimal attention. And surely I'm not the only one who dies a little each time I scroll down to see other "friends" of mine receiving literally 100+ likes on each of their posts, no matter how mundane. 

I mean, I'm not the only one, right?

If any of you are like me, then you probably feel less significant with every popular post you scroll past on your News Feed. In our media-filled culture, it's easy to confuse the lines of social media reality with actual reality. This is where reading Scripture will help. 

God so clearly spoke to me today when I was lamenting to Him about not being popular on the Internet. He simply said, 

"Christen, I don't need you to be popular. I need you to be faithful." 

I'd be lying on the virtual page right now if I said I had been radically changed and my perspective totally shifted with that statement. I'd also be lying if I said that I didn't have my own personal rebuttal with which to challenge God [I did]. 

But what about what God has to say? What about what He's already said about us & our identity in Him? Like,

"You didn't choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you could go and produce fruit and so that fruit could last." - John 15:16

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people who are God's own possession. You have become this people so that you may speak of the wonderful acts of the one who called you out of the darkness into his amazing light." - 1 Peter 2:9

"Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God..." John 1:12

"For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority." - Colossians 2:9-10

"But whoever is united with the Lord is united with Him in Spirit." - 1 Corinthians 6:17

"For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin..." - Romans 6:6

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." - Jeremiah 1:5

"For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female; for you are all on in Christ Jesus." - Galatians 3:27-28

"Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." - Colossians 3:1-3

When we allow the words of God to soak into our mind, heart, soul, body, and spirit, we start to become the image of God - the Imago Dei. When we start to walk out the fact that we are made in the very image of God Himself, all of the social media 'likes' fall by the wayside. All of our worries and trying way too hard to get our significant others or our wannabe significant others to notice and appreciate us become less of a priority and more of a byproduct of faithfulness; because, you see, when you are faithful to God, He is always faithful to you. 

So as much as it hurts to see that one friend who is an amazing singer, has three albums with her voice on it, has a platform at your church, and just seems to always have a Godly attitude no matter what, receive over 400 likes on her Instagram or Facebook, you know not to be shaken. That's because you realize that your identity isn't in how great you are in what you do, but who and Whose you are.

Therefore, I don't have to be upset that nobody is reading my book, that my social media posts aren't popular, and that I'm not leading worship right now. Most importantly, I don't have to be upset that my love interest isn't doing jack diddily about john duddily. Why? 

Because I belong to Jesus.

He's my source. He's my identity. In Him flows streams of Living Water; and my life is like channels of Living Water in the palm of His hands. As long as I am hidden in the blood of Jesus Christ, I will never go without. 

Neither will you. 

I wonder what it would be like if none of us had social media. I wonder how much more like Jesus we would look and behave like if we weren't so obsessed and compulsive with how many 'likes' we receive on our pictures of our face from this hundredth different angle and of our super-hipster, on fleek organic salad we made, hand-picked from our own greenhouse. I think we would be more like the Church that Jesus prayed and taught about without social media. Don't misunderstand, social media can be an amazing evangelism tool. But how many of us are actually doing that? 

Imagine the remarkable change the world would see in the Church if we all deleted our social media. 

Maybe that's what we should do.